Here’s something most of us hate: failure is a fundamental part of learning. We don’t learn to talk without babbling or walk without stumbling. Scientific discovery relies on learning from failures, identifying what doesn’t work without judgment so we can discover what does work. Failure is responsible for chocolate chip cookies, so it can’t be all bad! (See Chapter 9) But still, most of us resist it with every fiber of our being.

It’s reasonable to expect our kids to fail, falter, and make mistakes while learning to succeed, but they don’t see it that way. They’ve been conditioned to want simple fixes, as you have; and they’re often not exactly the most patient people. They’re easily embarrassed and want to be seen as capable, by you and by themselves. Failure is the last thing they want to experience. They want to avoid mistakes at all costs.

Thus, teaching them to handle failure is an essential component of raising complex kids. It’s difficult both because they tend to hate failure and because they don’t learn from mistakes very efficiently. Because kids don’t process mistakes while they’re happening or they resist redirection out of shame, they often don’t learn to avoid making the same mistakes again.

Patience with the process of problem solving and learning from mistakes can be overwhelming, frustrating, or scary for kids, and for us. As parents, we want to rescue them, limiting their frustration and disappointment in themselves.

But preventing them from experiencing failure reinforces their tendency to see themselves as stupid or flawed when they do make mistakes. Instead, we want to be on their team when they falter, brushing off the dust without judgment, so they can learn from the experience and discover how resilient they are.

Mistakes are human. It’s up to us to give kids permission to be human with grace, and teach them to fail forward.

The strategy of failing forward is a magic process for learning from mistakes without shame or embarrassment. From the sublime to the ridiculous, in professional and personal settings, it works wonders. When a test score isn’t great or a recipe kinda flops, try asking the three questions on page 142. We want to set kids up for success whenever possible, collaborating with them as they learn to navigate life. Embrace a “practice makes perfect” mindset, paying attention to circumstances around mistakes only to learn from them. Avoid feeding feelings of inadequacy that lead kids to shut down. Help them learn from mistakes and establish new behaviors by failing forward, activating their brains to become more alert and aware in subsequent situations.

The bottom line here is to teach your kids, “Let every mistake be a new one.” That will help them become less likely to repeat the same types of mistake and less likely to beat themselves up for making the first one. It’s a great message for kids to hear—and not a bad one for us either.

1. What worked? The essence of learning from mistakes is to start with the positive. This sets a tone of optimism and possibility and prevents people from going on the defensive.
2. What didn’t work? After exploring the positive, discover other relevant details. Pay attention to what there is to learn from the mistake, matter-offactly. Visit but don’t dwell there.
3. What will you do differently? Start planning for the next attempt.