"If you are looking for a practical, wise, science-based, and accessible guide to creating the kind of attachment your child needs to optimize development, you’ve come to the right place!…What a gift Raising a Secure Child is for us, for our children, and for the world….A masterpiece."--from the Foreword by Daniel J. Siegel, MD, coauthor of The Whole-Brain Child

"I love this book, and know it will be good to reread during the difficult moments of parenting! The best part of Raising a Secure Child is that you don't have to do anything 'extra' to help your child flourish. Instead, the book reminded me of the essential factor hidden in plain sight--my relationship with my child. It made me feel hopeful and confident about my natural ability as a parent."--Kari G., Spokane, Washington

"From the creators of the Circle of Security, which has changed parents' and children's lives around the globe, comes this remarkable guide. Down to earth, witty, and so, so smart about the complexities of parenting, Raising a Secure Child is a revelation. It provides a clear roadmap for all parents who want to give their children the very best beginnings possible. You will wish your parents had read this book, and if your children are grown, you will want to start all over again."--Arietta Slade, PhD, Yale Child Study Center, Yale University School of Medicine

"This book is outstanding in every respect--beautifully written, scientifically sound, loaded with excellent examples, and full of deep wisdom. What these authors have learned and are able to teach us can make a huge contribution to the well-being of your children and family."--Phillip R. Shaver, PhD, Distinguished Professor Emeritus of Psychology, University of California, Davis

"A 'must read' for parents of young children. The authors translate decades of psychological research into accessible and meaningful advice. Reading this book is an opportunity to learn about yourself--because, it turns out, knowing your own strengths and vulnerabilities is a vital key to parenting.”--Charles H. Zeanah, Jr., MD, Mary Peters Sellars-Polchow Chair in Psychiatry and Professor of Psychiatry and Pediatrics, Tulane University School of Medicine

"Psychotherapists Hoffman, Cooper, and Powell…provide a clearly drawn map to the circle of security, their attachment theory-based program for attuning parents to child needs….This is a highly usable guide with the potential to enrich relationships of all kinds.” (starred review) ― Publishers Weekly Published On: 2017-02-27

"A book like this can be a crucial tool for parents….Hoffman, Cooper, and Powell distill the wisdom of attachment theory into an accessible and practical approach called the Circle of Security….Through their kind and compassionate writing style, the authors model the tone they ask parents to take with their children….Raising a Secure Child is one of the most important contributions to the parenting literature in years. It is a much-needed correction to the confusion of ‘attachment parenting,’ and fills a gap by focusing on the elusive, ephemeral flow of emotions between children and adults who care for them. The guidance is offered with an understated grace and poetry, as the authors soothe the parents’ own attachment history to ease their relationship with their children.” ― Greater Good Published On: 2017-02-03

"Instead of perfect parenting, the authors stress the need for present parenting. They believe being there for our children, mistakes and all, builds trust and frees our children to be who they really are in front of us." ― Library Journal Published On: 2016-12-01

Today's parents are constantly pressured to be perfect. But in striving to do everything right, we risk missing what children really need for lifelong emotional security. Now the simple, powerful "Circle of Security" parenting strategies that Kent Hoffman, Glen Cooper, and Bert Powell have taught thousands of families are available in self-help form for the first time. 

You will learn: 
*How to balance nurturing and protectiveness with promoting your child's independence. 
*What emotional needs a toddler or older child may be expressing through difficult behavior.
*How your own upbringing affects your parenting style--and what you can do about it. 

Filled with vivid stories and unique practical tools, this book puts the keys to healthy attachment within everyone's reach--self-understanding, flexibility, and the willingness to make and learn from mistakes. Self-assessment checklists can be downloaded and printed for ease of use.

Kent Hoffman, RelD, has been a psychotherapist since 1972. Certified in psychoanalytic psychotherapy by The Masterson Institute in New York City, he has worked with prison and homeless populations as well as adults seeking psychoanalytic psychotherapy. His primary focus since the 1990s has been working with and designing treatment interventions for street-dependent teens with young children. The underlying theme of his life's work can be found in a TEDx talk titled "Infinite Worth." Since 1985, Dr. Hoffman has had a shared clinical practice in Spokane, Washington, with Glen Cooper and Bert Powell. Together, they have created and disseminated the Circle of Security, for which each has received the New York Attachment Consortium's Bowlby–Ainsworth Award, among other honors. They are coauthors of The Circle of Security Intervention (for mental health professionals) and Raising a Secure Child: How Circle of Security Parenting Can Help You Nurture Your Child's Attachment, Emotional Resilience, and Freedom to Explore (for parents).

Glen Cooper, MA, has worked as a psychotherapist with individuals and families in both agency and private practice settings since the 1970s. He has extensive training in family systems, object relations, attachment theory, and infant mental health assessment. Mr. Cooper also works as a treatment foster parent and long-time Head Start consultant. Since 1985, he has had a shared clinical practice in Spokane, Washington, with Kent Hoffman and Bert Powell. Much of their work has focused on the creation and dissemination of the Circle of Security, for which each has received the New York Attachment Consortium's Bowlby–Ainsworth Award, among other honors. They are coauthors of The Circle of Security Intervention (for mental health professionals) and Raising a Secure Child: How Circle of Security Parenting Can Help You Nurture Your Child's Attachment, Emotional Resilience, and Freedom to Explore (for parents).

Bert Powell, MA, began his clinical work as an outpatient family therapist in a community mental health center, where he helped a broad range of families find and use unacknowledged strengths to address their problems. Mr. Powell is certified in psychoanalytic psychotherapy by The Masterson Institute in New York City. He is Adjunct Assistant Professor in the Graduate School of Counseling Psychology at Gonzaga University and serves as an international advisor to the editorial board of the Journal of Attachment and Human Development. Since 1985, he has had a shared clinical practice in Spokane, Washington, with Kent Hoffman and Glen Cooper. Much of their work has focused on the creation and dissemination of the Circle of Security, for which each has received the New York Attachment Consortium's Bowlby–Ainsworth Award, among other honors. They are coauthors of The Circle of Security Intervention (for mental health professionals) and Raising a Secure Child: How Circle of Security Parenting Can Help You Nurture Your Child's Attachment, Emotional Resilience, and Freedom to Explore (for parents).

Christine M. Benton is a Chicago-based writer and editor.

Raising A Secure Child

How Circle of Security Parenting Can Help You Nurture Your Child's Attachment, Emotional Resilience, and Freedom to Explore

The Guilford Press

Contents

ATTACHMENT

Why It Matters

Something extraordinary happens in the most ordinary moments between parent and child:

Danny waits for his mother's reassuring smile and nod before climbing into the sandbox with the other children.

Emma instantly calms when her dad lifts his 1-year-old daughter onto his lap even though he's tapping away at his phone and barely looks at the little girl.

Jake stops clobbering his toy drum when his mom switches from demanding that he put it down to exclaiming, "Wow, that's some sense of rhythm you've got, buddy."

Moments like these are so ordinary as to be forgettable, even unnoticeable. Yet what accrues to children as those moments accumulate is nothing short of profound. Every time you answer your child's need for comfort or confidence, you're building a bond of trust. Every time you show that you understand how your child feels and what your child wants, you're demonstrating the power of a primal connection that all of us are born seeking. Every time you help your baby or toddler manage the discomfort and frustration of being a newcomer to the human condition, you're teaching your child acceptance of emotions (even the "ugly" ones), of himself, and of others.

These are the gifts of attachment. A secure attachment forms naturally for a child when a parent or other primary caregiver can:

• Help the child feel safe when frightened or uncomfortable

• Help the child feel secure enough to explore the world, essential to growth and development

• Help the child accept and manage his or her emotional experience

Both parents and children are hardwired for attachment. You start forming a bond with your child even before birth, and miraculously, your newborn emerges with a powerful instinct to be close to you. Not just any adult will do, even though plenty of adults can provide the food, warmth, and protection necessary to the baby's physical survival. Decades of research suggest that babies immediately fall in love with a parent's face because even when they can barely focus on it, they can already sense the parent's love and devotion. This is the person, a baby intuits, who is going to be here for me. This is someone who will help me figure out this confusing new world and find the goodness in it.

Our common bond as parents is that we all want goodness — love and compassion, understanding and acceptance, meaning and fulfillment — for our children. And children come into the world wanting and needing goodness from us. One of our most important mentors, developmental psychologist Jude Cassidy (along with social psychologist Phillip Shaver), recently defined attachment security as "confidence in the possibility of goodness." From our perspective, this is precisely the issue. We want what's good, deeply necessary, and fulfilling for our children. And they come to us in their unique, miraculous, ever-fresh, and often demanding way with that exact request. "Please help me trust in the goodness of you, the goodness of me, the goodness of us." Of course, this is what we're here to offer.

THE CRITICAL IMPORTANCE OF "AND"

We all begin life more integrated with another person than separate. This is not just an acknowledgment that sharing a body before birth creates a bond for mothers and babies that often endures after it. Babies also become attached to their fathers, their grandparents, or anyone else whose gaze says "I am here for you," and who then makes good on that promise much of the time. The very youngest babies seem to recognize this devotion and start to respond in kind during their first days of life. They follow us with their eyes, flap their arms in excitement when we return from work, and their first smiles come in response to our smiles at them — a gift that few parents ever forget. In the Circle of Security program, when we are trying to convey to parents how very important they are to their children, we play Joe Cocker's song "You Are So Beautiful" as we show video clips of attachment moments between parent and child.

As pediatrician and psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott once said, "If you set out to describe a baby, you will find you are describing a baby and someone." He was referring to how essential we are to our infants. Baby Gino or Sasha or Hiroto may have separate arms and legs and face but really doesn't fully exist yet as an individual. We tend to view babies as completely formed little creatures who know deep down what they're feeling and needing and who they are but simply lack the language to express it. In actuality, newborn babies have no clarity about what they're feeling except that there are many times when something unknown and difficult starts happening to them (they need something) — an unformed longing begins to grow. When Mom or Dad gazes into a distressed baby's eyes and coos "There, there" and magically figures out what the baby needs — and even provides it! — the parent is telling the baby "I'm here with you. We share the same kinds of feelings, and we'll figure this out together." As this exchange is repeated again and again, the baby learns that human emotions are natural, acceptable, and shareable. She learns that this special adult can manage them for her and gradually help her learn to manage them for herself — a process called "coregulation of emotions." She learns that although she and her parent(s) have many important things in common, each of them is also unique. She learns that the relationship — the "and" — is critical to the formation of the self.

Up until the middle of the 20th century, the self — a being separate from other humans — was the focus of developmental psychology. In Western society, this emphasis informed many attitudes and expectations about how we should conduct ourselves over the lifespan. As soon as we were able, we were expected to take care of ourselves, and social policies — in the United States at least — often favored individual rights over community needs. In our work with the Circle of Security, we've come around to the opposite view: it's the "and" that matters. We would even go so far as to say this: Self-sufficiency is a myth. From birth through old age, our ability to act with some sense of autonomy is directly related to our capacity for connectedness. What does this mean for parents raising a young child? If we want our children to be independent, to go out and take on the world, we have to give them full confidence that they can come back to us as needed. Autonomy and connection: That's secure attachment.

Here's what it might look like:

Lei is 3 years old. She's vibrant, playful, and full of curiosity. She and her father have just walked to the park that's two blocks from their home and, typically for them, as they approach the climbing structure, Lei briefly looks back at her father (not more than a millisecond) and then rushes off to climb her version of Mt. Everest. What the casual observer might not notice is that in that millisecond of checking in with her dad, Lei gets precisely the permission and support she needs — Is it a glance? Is it something in his eyes? — to know it's perfectly OK to risk this new adventure.

Fourteen seconds later she's already atop the structure, looking back at her father, pride flowing from every pore, as she calls out her sense of accomplishment: "I'm a big girl."

"Yes, you are, Lei," her dad responds, "Yes, you are!" (What Lei doesn't know is that her father has to work very hard not to interfere, to hover, because some part of him is afraid she might fall. But, based on their previous experiences on this structure, ones where he's felt the need to stay close and protective, he's found that his daughter has the strength and the balance and the enthusiasm to find her own way on this particular part of the playground.)

Twenty more seconds pass, and Lei is now climbing down. She's still having fun, she's still enjoying her increasing sense of competence, but she finds herself running back to her father, smiling and remarkably proud of her accomplishment. She's delighted. He's delighted. She looks in his eyes, they briefly touch, and then — bam! — she's off, running toward the slide, ready for yet another round of excitement.

Again, that's secure attachment. In that simple moment, Lei's father is right there with her, responding to the shifting needs that his daughter experiences as she goes about the somewhat scary task of exploring her world. Significantly, Lei also knows that her dad will respond, because he has done so many times in the past. This is one reason the entire sequence appears so seamless, so unplanned. Lei's expression of basic psychological needs and her father's answering them have become the fabric of their relationship.

Attachment: A Lasting Legacy

Lei and her dad may not have had to think consciously about interacting this way, but the benefits of their secure attachment certainly had staying power, as they do for all of us. That first relationship, so close as to make "two" almost indistinguishable from "one," isn't something we shrug off the way a butterfly shrugs off its chrysalis and flies off to live happily ever after. It's something we carry with us into all relationships, all work, all communication, and if it is a secure attachment, it just might lead to "happily ever after."

Decades of research have now shown that having a secure attachment with a primary caregiver leaves children healthier and happier in virtually every way we measure such things — in competence and self-confidence, empathy and compassion, resilience and endurance ... in the ability to regulate emotions, tap intellectual capacity, and preserve physical health ... in pursuing our life's work and having a fulfilling personal life.

Perhaps most important, a secure attachment in a child's first relationship lays the foundation for good relationships throughout life. And we now know without a doubt that relationships are the engine and the framework for satisfaction and success in all domains of life. Research has shown that social relationships promote mental and physical health and even lower the risk of death: In studies of many countries, analyses have shown over and over that the more people were involved in social relationships, the less likely they were to die prematurely — in fact, the most isolated individuals were twice as likely to die as the most social. Western society seems to be making a shift toward understanding the importance of the "and," with books and TED Talks on topics like the value of vulnerability enjoying growing popularity. We're beginning to recognize that our relationships aren't just "extras." Those who get along best with coworkers often get promoted first — and not just because they've formed smart alliances; they're often the most productive. And although we understand that hovering obsessively over our children isn't helpful, we do recognize these days that consistently soothing babies isn't hovering and won't ruin them for life. The relationships we form sustain us — even define us — because in every "and" we form we become something more than we would be alone.

"I reassured myself that he has always been resourceful, resilient, and confident. Two days later, he ... called me full of exuberance and delight at his success. I told him, 'Good luck with your adventure,' knowing that this is exactly what he needed to hear. I was able to hold him from afar, knowing that he had all the tools, love, attachment, and resources resulting from years of experience with secure attachment. It was because of his secure attachment that he was able to explore further and further away."

— Heidi S. Roibal, Albuquerque, New Mexico, after her 23year-old son left on a solo cross-country journey

ATTACHMENT: IT REALLY DOES MATTER

Intuitively, you already know about the importance of the "and." Trust and a feeling of security with others can transform relationships — deepening a friendship when you confide a shameful childhood secret, cementing an intimate relationship when you risk proposing marriage, creating collegiality and mutual respect when you ask for the promotion you deserve. Even the major achievements — painting your best picture ever; coming up with a great, if radical, innovation on the job; writing a great speech — that don't seem to involve others are often made possible by security. When we trust in the openness and acceptance of others in general, creativity, competence, wisely chosen risks, and clear thinking become more available to us because we expect our offerings to get an understanding, welcoming reception, in an environment of safety. And when they do, and we succeed, the importance of attachment is reinforced by the fulfillment of sharing the joy with others.

A secure attachment is like a virtual teddy bear. When you have confidence and trust in the goodness of me, you, us, you carry that trust with you through important transitions and passages in daily life. In fact, we adults generally measure how our lives are going by how our relationships are going. If our relationships are going well, life goes well. When love is in place, we do well.

Secure attachment is knowing that someone has your back, and knowing someone has your back opens a world of new possibilities.

If you've experienced secure attachment's beneficial effects, you won't be surprised that the total absence of attachment can be devastating. As far back as the 13th century, Roman emperor Frederick II decided to conduct an experiment to see whether newborn children would speak the language of Adam and Eve if they weren't exposed to another language by the adults around them. He ordered caregivers not to talk or gesture to a group of babies, and they all languished. Seven hundred years later, the same association showed up in the alarming 30% death rate of children in orphanages during the 1930s and 1940s. Provided with the apparent necessities of life — food, shelter, clothing — many still could not survive without an attachment to a primary caregiver.

With this kind of evidence, how could it have taken so long for attachment to be valued? These things take time, and as is so often the case, embracing a new theory often means displacing others that have become entrenched. The two dominant schools of thought regarding child development during the early 20th century were the psychoanalytic theories of Sigmund Freud and company and the behaviorist theories of John B. Watson and later B. F. Skinner and others:

• Freud decided that the psychological problems he saw in his adult patients might have their roots in various unconscious thought processes that started humming along during infancy and continued to exert their effects as a baby matured. These processes drove how a baby interacted with his parents and what the baby appeared to need in addition to food and other care. These theories kept the focus of some developmental psychologists (and psychoanalysts treating adults) on arcane concepts regarding the unconscious mind that didn't resonate with people living in the real world.

• In another camp resided the behaviorists, who believed babies had one thing on their mind when they reserved a special smile just for Mom, cried when she left their sight even though other willing caregivers were handy, or settled miraculously into Mom's arms. That thing was a reward: If they smiled, Mom seemed happy and would come closer. If they cried, Mom often came back. If they snuggled into Mom's arms, she'd let Baby stay there. As far as Watson was concerned, babies were driven to attach so that Mom would stay nearby, where she could dispense the food, warmth, or dry diaper they needed. Few today would deny that we humans respond positively to rewards. The trouble with adhering strictly to these early forms of behaviorism, however, was that Watson advised mothers not to show too much loving care for their children, or children would grow up expecting the world to treat them the same way, which would make them all invalids.

Enter the voice of reason: British psychologist John Bowlby. It was after World War II, and Bowlby was participating in research for the World Health Organization involving institutionalized World War II orphans and hospitalized children. The children were all receiving optimal care: they were well fed, clothed appropriately, and had warm beds and attentive health care, just like the prewar orphans. What they didn't have was Mom or Dad. And just like the orphans of earlier decades, all suffered terribly without the comfort, love, and closeness of a primary caregiver. Similarly, in the 1950s Bowlby and colleague John Robertson filmed a 2-year-old who spent 10 days in a hospital and saw her parents for only a half hour once a day. The little girl was transformed from vivacious to completely despondent.

Bowlby's observations changed visiting rules for hospitals forever and have informed professional child care ever since as well. And they spawned his efforts to answer the million-dollar question that should have been asked since the dawn of the human race: Why did the lack of a parent or other caregiver matter so much when everything the children seemed to need to thrive was provided?