Mother Lode: Confessions of a Reluctant Caregiver

2022 Living Now Book Awards Silver Medalist in Mature Living/Caregiving

“A debut memoir of caregiving that addresses issues of life and death in a direct and hopeful way. . . . The author is candid about the struggles of caregiving, which readers who have experienced similar situations will find refreshing . . .”
—Kirkus Reviews

“[Staebler] writes with humor and pathos . . . Mother Lode is a raw and insightful chronicle of life as a (reluctant) caregiver. . . .but it is ultimately an example of the triumph of love and resilience.”
—Seattle Book Review, 4.5 stars

“. . . I found Gretchen’s frustrations with the healthcare system and with the reluctant patient highly resonant, and she writes with an empathetic but direct narrative style that makes you feel as though a kindred soul is speaking to you. There are many difficult moments where trauma is worked through, but the overall feel of the read is one of strength, acceptance, and love, for yourself as much as for those that you care for.”
—Readers' Favorite, 5-star review

“. . . an excellent read for professionals, and for anyone else open to walking with a strong, brave, humorous daughter who stayed until the end. The story radiates the funny, sad, kind, compassionate, frustrating, intelligent, strong, stubborn aspects of good people with hard challenges.”
—Story Circle Book Reviews

“Mother Lode redefines ‘coming of age’ in the drama of an independent daughter who moves back to the family home to care for her elderly mother. The story unfolds page by page, week by month, as Gretchen takes us artfully into her relationship with her mother, her sisters, and a house packed with memories. Specific in detail, universal in appeal, told with wit, wisdom, and compassion; if you ever had a mother . . . if you ever had a family . . . if you’ve ever wondered if you could go home again . . . Mother Lode will intrigue, delight, and open your heart.”
—Christina Baldwin, author of Storycatcher, Life’s Companion, and The Circle Way

“We come to the support of our aging parents sometimes open-heartedly, sometimes reluctantly. Occasionally, though, we are able to see the strength and love in the contrary parent, knowing our own strength has come from just such a source. The author travels a contradictory journey with her mother toward an end that surprises even her.”
—Catherine Fransson, author of Loving the Enemy: When the Favorite Parent Dies First

“With compelling storytelling and great wit, Gretchen Staebler’s Mother Lode illuminates the valiant lives of the mostly forgotten and the nearly invisible: our elders and their caretakers.”
—Theo Pauline Nestor, author of A Writer’s Story of Finding Her Voice (and a Guide to How You Can Too)

“Staebler’s eye for just the right detail in just the right place is on full display throughout this beautifully rendered memoir about the infinitely puzzling and always complicated mother-daughter bond.”
—Katie Hafner, author of Mother Daughter Me and host of Our Mothers Ourselves podcast

“Gretchen Staebler has beautifully intertwined two love stories: her pure passion for the Pacific Northwest, and her complicated ties to her elderly and often exasperating mother. Staebler offers a remarkably candid and clear-eyed story of caretaking—depicting the frustration and power struggles as well as the break-through moments of joy and forgiveness. A compelling story from beginning to end.”
—Mary Lambeth Moore, author of Sleeping with Patty Hearst

“Kudos to Gretchen Staebler for one of the better caregiving memoirs I've read.”
—Paula Span, columnist of “The New Old Age” at the New York Times

Gretchen Staebler promises to spend one year in her childhood home caring for her stubborn ninety-six-year-old mother—sort of a middle-aged gap year. Then her mother will move to assisted living and she will return to her own life, their relationship magically having become all she ever longed it to be. Can it be that easy?

As mother and daughter each try desperately to keep a firm grasp on their independence, their daily battles in Mama’s kitchen fiefdom echo the clash of adolescence and menopause in the same spot decades earlier. Penetrating the fog of her mother’s advancing dementia, hypochondria, and blindness with humor, frustration, and compassion—and wine—the author slowly comes to accept and respect the mother she got, if not the one she wished for. In the process, she becomes a self-taught authority on aging, dementia, the healthcare system, and self-care. But how long will healing between mother and daughter take—and how long do they have?

Gretchen Staebler is a wandering adventurer who left decades of grown-up life on the East Coast at age sixty to return to the mountains, beaches, and rain of her soul’s home in the Pacific Northwest. She blogs about her adventures from coffee shops, her father’s desk, national park lodges, her tent—wherever she feels cozy. She lives with her cat in Centralia, Washington (the real one).